watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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