she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
