a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
