Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm passing your future prison.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
