We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
