i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
