im about as happy as oj after his trial
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
