She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
