I think my vagina is haunted
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
