Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
