I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
