clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
