Will you blow on my dice?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
