My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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