Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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