I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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