Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
