theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
