i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
