I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You're a waste of cheezeits
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
