How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
