I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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