Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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