The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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