I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She even gives head with a lisp.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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