a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
