All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
