If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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