the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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