it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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