How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
