my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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