I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize