there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
