Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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