Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
