I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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