Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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