On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
