That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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