when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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