It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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