Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
