he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
