the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
