Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
