just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
