WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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