tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
