alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
