he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
