Welp...herpes.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
