she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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