My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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