I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
