My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
