I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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