I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
