Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
