i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
