you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she peed on how many people?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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