why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
