so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
