Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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