i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
