We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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