so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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