We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You need a sexual gate keeper
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
