why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
