the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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