I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
