why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm like, not good at living.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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