Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
