I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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